A quick one. I have just answered the front door to a postman, holding a plastic bag full of dirty liquid, powdered green glass and wet cardboard. It was addressed to me.

I was rather perplexed to why someone would send me something that looked like a glass Mojito.

On further inspection of the package, I discovered a sender address, a silver Special Delivery sticker, and something scrawled on the zip-lok bag in which the contents of the original package were placed.

The writing said,”Received in broken condition.” I rather doubt it. Certainly not in this condition.

It was sent by my good pal Ulrich Hoffman, fellow IWC judge and winemaker at Burgess Hill in Kent. Those of you who have met him, will know that he is far from stupid and he is German. Parcels always arrive as if packaged and built at an Audi factory. I don’t imagine he lobbed the bottle at the post office screen, then paid £15 to deliver it. Anyway, do you know how hard it is to actually break a sparkling wine bottle these days. I mean they bounce of ships’ hulls, for christ sake!

Now let’s finish on the Special Delivery label shall we? What, exactly, does Special Delivery mean? It appears that it means that if a parcel survives the usual gauntlet of the Royal Mail distribution system, one should drink the contents to celebrate. If not, one can then claim back on the contents insurance, and have it delivered by a proper fucking courier.

I’m glad Uli didn’t send it by regular post. I imagine they would have rung the doorbell then shot it through the letterbox with a cannon.